The Decision

A crossword. A transition. A fork in the road. Whatever you choose to call it, we all have our version in our life at some point. Sometimes it’s multiple points.  This can probably be considered my 47^th life-changing transition.  While all you normal folk are settled in comfortably in your comfortable lives, I am yet again faced with a decision to shove everything in my comfort zone to the side and start a new path.  No there were no cameras and a TV special to catch the decision.  No donation to the Boys and Girls club, but a decision non-the less.

 When I came back from my amazing time in the Philippines, you know right after my MVP season and runners- up finish, I felt like I was on top of the world with my volleyball career.  Even after I left Switzerland, I was in the best athletic shape of my whole life, and finally peaking at what I believed to be the best volleyball I’ve ever played. Yes, even with all the shenanigans that eventually led to a shortened season in Switzerland, it was still probably one of the best seasons I had ever experienced.  I came home really on top of the world in my mind. I felt no desire to go back right away, unless it was a pretty decent offer. That did not happen. So I played the waiting game in order to go to the place I perceived as being the pearl in my volleyball career, Puerto Rico. 

 

The plan was to get a part-time seasonal job to help with financial stability and continue to train until my opportunity came. Yeah that turned into two strenuous part time jobs that over lapped and made me fall asleep at the wheel several times. Oh and a gig coaching club that turned out to be pro bono. I even got in a relationship, and I wont elaborate here over fear I will flood my keyboard.  So the Puerto Rico plan fell through real hard and blatantly harsh in my face. Tired, financially unstable and 15 lbs heavier, I guess anyone could guess my career was over.

Still having not officially retired I tried to keep myself afloat with a job and relationships and volleyball.  All three failed. My job, that had nothing to do with my degree, paid next to nothing. Volleyball and the social aspect of it had blown up in my face due to my stress overload. Everything seemed to just fall apart and on top of all that, no Volleyball. It wasn’t fun anymore with everything that was going on. So I finally told myself that this was it, time to start my “real” life. That was it.

I gave up one of the only things that made me feel apart of something.  On the courts and between those lines was the only place where I felt I mattered to anything or anyone. It’s the only thing I have ever been good at since like birth.  The competition, the great wins, the lousy losses.  Wisconsin, South Carolina, and yeah even Switzerland, no matter how they ended, they still meant a lot to me. It’s hard to let all that go. The smiles, (even the ones that were forged), the tough lectures, the tears, the anger and anger management, the good times with teammates and yelling at them are all things that Ill miss so desperately. Nothing will beat that feeling when you realize all your hard work finally paid off. Nothing. And as for relationships go, no one will ever match up as my significant other like Spalding or Baden or even Mikasa.  Now tell me how does one fill that void?

Yes, I know know what you're thinking... It can't last forever. Yes, I KNOW!